Vortex Shaking Spine, Drips Of Water, Skull Crack, Surrender Practice
February 17: Energy Balls In Legs, Buttocks & Groin
All night the growing reaction was strong. This morning and last night higher-self was taking over powerfully with a springy feeling, stretching the body when needed. I took some time off, arranging for my work obligations. I walked in the forest and did a very long stretching session outside. I stretched from toe to head until all tension was released and the energy reversed downward. It was difficult to sustain to the end, but I endured not wanting to do it again. I am sure the cord of personality was released and the full change will happen soon. After this, I retreated to my room and did a stretch.
It is the afternoon, and I have a fire and will relax and see what I need to do next. I have strong shivers. I did a relaxing, melting stretch down to hips and felt energy building in the root chakra. Then my neck and back hurt and later energy went up the spine into the skull and came down and I felt tingling in root chakra, which lasted some time. I felt increasing energy build with heat and it felt like male genitalia was growing. Every time the energy increased, it felt like the genitalia was at a different stage of growing. This time it felt complete with the sensation a scrotum was made. It felt like growing with a constant stretching, burning and tingly feeling in the genitals. When I arose, there was nothing there. It is strange; it feels real and hurts. I sat awhile and energy worked in other body areas. Soon all was quiet so I arose.
4:30 pm: it has been unusually quiet in the body. Sitting, there is energy moving in the spine and shaking my body and I hear the marcher music strong. I feel movement in the left buttock. I have shivers and an energy ball is going down my neck, across my shoulders and back, and down the spine. The muscles burn and my shoulders are rotating energetically. Next, I felt energy balls pummeling my left leg. It started at the big toe, moved up inside leg to the groin, and then went down doing the leg. Then I felt energy balls in the buttocks, which were going around in circles until the left buttock was thumping. It was intense in the groin. It felt like something was growing in the genitals; it was painful and difficult not to identify with it. Then I could see it might go on for a while so I went into intense concentration to distance from the pain. The pain intensified in the groin and both legs and I heard the message shouted: “Surrender”. I took it while I could and arose. Again, there was nothing there but it feels real. This is blowing my mind.
I am disappointed that I used an entire day for these sessions and there is no result. I have been doing sessions for five weeks and I cannot keep going like this. I asked my higher-self to tell me what I need to know about this. Does the transformation pain give me the opportunity to learn how to surrender? There was nothing enjoyable about that last session. I hope this was actual work because I do not want to do that again, it burned much.
8 pm: Something new is happening. I feel drips of water here and there in my body and there are cracking sounds in my skull. The vibration increases and strong gravity is pulling me toward the Earth. There is burning in the genitals and it feels like something grows there. The body heat is high.
At 10 pm, I lay down with the growing phase and decided to try harder to surrender. Trying it, I see what it is. It is being completely still in body and mind. I can do it for some time but when the breath starts, I lose focus. I can surrender easier in the gap. I arose and tried holding my breath and higher-self tries to take over. While in this quiet state it is strange, I can observe the beating of my heart and the breathing is in the background. Then a feeling comes as if I am going to be swallowed and I panic. It looks like this would only take a minute or so of stillness. Yes, it is about learning to surrender.
I am sweating. Surrender feels impossible now. I tried it sitting, when my chest rises, I panic and identify. I tried it many times then it got to where I could not feel the groove of being still. Perhaps I could try different things every ten minutes or so to see what works. It is difficult to know when my mind is truly quiet. Relaxing on the out breath helps to get me in the zone. Looking to the right in my head with my inner sight and eyes closed is the best so far to still my mind. Yet, possibly these all are techniques and not truly quiet mind. Still the observer is there ‘maintaining’ the focus or technique and it does not work. It seems like a big out breath and deep let go might be best.
I still hear the marching music and feel swirling in the root chakra. I hate to go to bed feeling I failed and facing another long day. I want this to finish. I was successful at surrender for short periods in my last session and feel I am better at it. I know I have surrendered before in meditation, but I guess higher-self was not strong enough to take over then. It is difficult for me to relax when I fear being swallowed.
11:45 pm: I tried the dot meditation, where I gaze at a dot drawn on white paper. That seemed to work good to stay surrendered for longer periods and I had no fear with gasping for breath. It is easy to tell when my mind is quiet as well. While I did this, the energy vibration increased dramatically. The buttocks are humming and there are stinging prickles that hurt in the genitals. I do not understand this! I will go to bed, as I do not know what else to do. The growing reaction in the groin hurts!
Insight about eternal transformation of form: I thought about a fetus growing in the womb and wondered if it experiences these growth cycles. It is another thing to go through it consciously. I guess no other life form can do this. Only man has the potential to transform his body to another form. I guess after you have done it once, then you could do it again to whatever form you wanted. That is a thought difficult to fathom. If you have this transformation ability, you would never grow old and would have eternal life in body. You would no longer be subject to the growth and death cycle of lower life forms.
February 18: Spiral Forming From Crown To Root Chakra
3:30 am: What is new is both legs feel like they are growing. Getting out of bed, my calf muscles are stiff. There is a clear inner sound sounding constantly, it is a high-pitched melody like dolphins singing. There are slow undulating waves of energy that pull and stretch the legs. Energy works in the buttocks and groin and the intestines rumble.
7:30 am: It was difficult to sleep with a strong growing reaction and pain. My energy is strong with humming in the legs, buttocks and groin. Shoots of energy continuously go up my back. It is difficult to walk, as the leg muscles are stiff. When I sat, it was as if I was pulled down. To stand is like going against gravity and takes effort. I cannot imagine doing much and likely people here will be upset about that. At 8:30 am, I went out, walked the dogs, and had a normal workday.
6:30 pm: all day I have felt hyperactive. There was much work in the right neck and shoulder. One time when I sat, my mind blanked out for thirty minutes while energy worked. Tonight I get distant Reiki, maybe something happens. That would be welcome as my life feels on hold until this is complete. All day there is pain near the pubic bone; I hope I do not have to go through much more pain there. I notice that the growing reaction happens in my body all day without me doing anything. Maybe the growing is not like a leaf quickly unfolding. I still do not know.
My spine, back, shoulders and neck are healing in an important event. While sitting, energy balls keep rising up the spine to the neck. I think these balls are collecting as a force of energy to loosen adhesions especially in the neck area. After the balls move through, I feel tingly energy in the path they went through. There is no indication to stretch, yeah! I will make a fire and relax. I sat and then the entire body went numb except my skull, and I felt a vortex forming from crown down to tail.
7:45 pm: I stood with the ring in dome and intoned all the Reiki symbols. I went through a long stretch to ground ending with hip on the floor. I used the opportunity to try to surrender. I almost did it, but when higher-self takes over, I panic and lose it. I feel the sensation of energy rising higher in the body each time. This time it made it past the heart and lungs but I lost it when it rose into the throat. I wonder if this phenomenon has anything to do with prior changes made to my body. It is strange to fight with myself this way. Logically I want this transformation, yet panic when it happens as if I am dying. I know a new beginning is always better and there is no such thing as death, there is only transformation. The absurd thing is this transformation is done by my higher-self, so why do I not know how to do this? The best thing so far is a deep let go, total relaxation and being extremely quiet. When I convince myself the breathing will happen spontaneously, I can relax into it.
I have done sustained surrenders before and I went to a place of total stillness without the sense of time. Then the mind is still and there is no sense of the personality. I would think higher-self could take over from this state, that it is the same. If I am identified with the mind-voice, I will have conflict or fear. With various meditations I have tried, most require too much mind involvement. Watching is the best with a simple focal point and deep relaxation. I will try to go to that place in simple meditation.
Now the energy is swirling in the root chakra intensely and energy balls move up my spine again. There was a big release of energy in the previous session from the hip. Energy was collecting from all body parts at once and moving up in a big spiral. The tension release was melting my body. It was pleasant. I think I need to accept that I do the best I can. Thinking about it is what is creating the problem.
Low Point – Wanting To Die And Not Able To Do It
February 19: Skull Work, Burning Pain All Over Body
3 pm: I had to go outside to do something normal. I did chores, took a walk in the forest and fed the animals. It occurred to do a stretch while I was walking, but I did not want to, so I did not. I do not even want to sit still and face another torture session of pain, failure and insanity. This is bothering me. "Surrender", but when I try I cannot do it. I feel caught in a difficult situation and want to cry. I wish there was a way to escape this feeling of limbo. Sitting, the marching music is strong. There is much pain in my skull with work in jaws, teeth and nasal cavities and the groin growth goes on. It looks like the changes are moving up.
6 pm: It’s Sunday and I had no break it was much of the same. I spent most of the day doing various stretches through legs, and up and down through spine. I almost completely surrendered a few times. My head is moving more. From 6 to 7 pm, I sat for over an hour. A growing reaction happens stronger than before and affects my entire body. It started in the left leg and moved up with a burning pain felt in most places.
9:45 pm: It has been hours of sitting and lying with growing phase and working with surrender. I started giving Reiki to facial acupoints, which helped reduce the head pain. 10:30 pm: I feel terrible. I tried to “die” and even I cannot do that. Nothing works. I cannot surrender and higher-self cannot take over. I do not want to be like this. I will try to sleep, it is my only refuge until this resolves. My body hurts all over, emotionally I am a wreck and mentally I am a nut case. At this point, I pray to The Creator for mercy and grace to relieve my suffering, because I understand there is nothing I can do to save myself. (When we approach a strong transition point, we feel desperate and want to die, as this is the maximum point of pain. When we feel like this, we are close to a break through. Just hang in there and work to quell the mind-voice.)
MARY E. (BETSY) RABYOR was born in Wisconsin and lived in Nevada, Florida and Spain. She went to college and was a computer programmer for 17 years, with family and suburban life. Since 1990, she has meditated and learned self-healing techniques. In August of 1999, she spiritually awakened, quit her job and devoted her life to self-realization and helping others. Shortly after starting Reiki self-healing in 2005, her kundalini unexpectedly awakened. She continues to work with her kundalini transformation today. She lives in Wisconsin and is a skilled distance healer, author, poet, intuitive, and spiritual mentor.
