Dropping The Storyteller

    December 20

    The last week has been challenging. I have allowed my personality to energize strongly and when I let that happen it takes a long time to calm. Usually, the trigger is from a friend and I strongly believe that how I see things is the truth. My story goes constantly inside me. The trigger this time was somebody not asking me for my opinion and informing me about a matter I felt was important. I felt I saw anger in the eyes and heard it in the voice of my friend, which seemed unwarranted. I reacted out of my view with anger. It is difficult to hold my anger, and not burst out with it.

    Dream of cards with monster faces I had a dream of a teacher, showing some cards that were an ancient Korean teaching. He showed one card to a Korean woman and asked her if she knew it. She said yes, and opened the one card and made it into three cards showing how simple it was. I am not sure what was on the cards she opened. Then he handed the card to me. I spread open the card and it split into six or seven cards, each card had the face of a horribly ugly monster with teeth. It was as if I saw my face on each of these cards. I did not like what was revealed, I closed them and reopened them several times, and the same happened. The teacher laughed when he saw my distress. This dream bothered me much and I was glad to wake out of this nightmare.

    At first, I did not want to record the dream and recognized not wanting to accept this ugly aspect of myself. This is how the ‘lie’ of ego hides; we do not want to see ourselves how we are. My physical healing has slowed, probably because emotional and intellectual elements of personality are healing. This has not happened since I started the Reiki. I suspect it is a healing reaction. Many things rise to the surface to heal, including how my ego stays alive.

    Reflecting on the dream, this is how I see people. My head is full of ugly pictures of everyone. I do see mostly the negative in people; it is a main way I get my confirmation to feel superior to others. Today, my thinking is full of negative thoughts of everyone without provocation. It is good that I see this, because I do not want to be this way. When I judge others, it insulates me from looking at myself, and keeps me stuck in the trap of the personality. I know this mind-chatter has nothing to do with reality, so I must work harder to stay aware so I can divert energy from the storyteller.

    December 21 – Winter Solstice

    I need to know exactly what technique I use to defend my personality, so I can stop the behavior. I think it has to do with being hurt and not trusting anybody because I fear getting hurt again. That is my armor. I do not want to drop my defense because I feel it protects me from experiencing that pain again. Then I see this armor keeps me from getting love and from being love. Is my armor finding everything wrong and bad in people? Do I look hard at others to find the faults because I am looking close to see if they can be trusted? Have I a difficult time accepting a friend’s betrayal because I trusted them? Probably this is it and why it is difficult to break my bond to them. I am sensitive to how others react to me, I pick up every nuance and watch like a hawk looking for anything I can react to. I am empathetic to them, feeling hurt when I see how they feel about me.

    The negative views I have about everyone, do not allow me to see their true being. I want to see people clearly, unfiltered as they are without my clouded perception. I will practice doing this with all energetic life forms. Perhaps if I can learn to do this with animals and plants then I can move on to people and not be sucked into the reactive energy of their ego and mine.

    I have to acknowledge my reactive tendency and not react. The way I am practicing this is by accepting my negative response when it occurs and defusing it by redirecting my focus out of thinking to feeling and awareness. I understand if I divert energy from the old response pattern, it will gradually lesson and eventually go away. I want that badly. I want to take the next step and obviously too much energy is wasted reacting as the personality.

    Lately I have heightened sensitivity to people’s unconsciousness. I talked about this topic with a friend and learned how I get my good or bad feelings according to how others respond to me. I have a new lesson to face and it is accepting the unconsciousness of others and not reacting to it. I have to remind myself when others react; it is not because they are out to get me. It is not personal. Rather it comes from their need to provoke to react strongly to keep their game of personality going. People in relationships know how to push each other’s buttons and it can become a habitual way to get the fuel they need to keep their personality activated. I do not want to play that game anymore with others and I do not want it for me. Once the personality activates strongly, it can take a long time to settle the energy and return to inner peace. I want peace.

    How To Shut Up

    December 26, 2005

    I awoke and noticed the mind-chatter immediately. Then I wondered if this is going on while I sleep and is there when I wake, then what hope is there ever to go beyond it. Pondering this, I felt my energy rise, my feet started pulsating and I heard the inner sound of dolphins singing. Then I saw clearly that there was ‘no way’. I only have to avert energy from the mind-chatter, and then higher-self is there.

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    About the Author

    betsy027ms MARY E. (BETSY) RABYOR was born in Wisconsin and lived in Nevada, Florida and Spain. She went to college and was a computer programmer for 17 years, with family and suburban life. Since 1990, she has meditated and learned self-healing techniques. In August of 1999, she spiritually awakened, quit her job and devoted her life to self-realization and helping others. Shortly after starting Reiki self-healing in 2005, her kundalini unexpectedly awakened. She continues to work with her kundalini transformation today. She lives in Wisconsin and is a skilled distance healer, author, poet, intuitive, and spiritual mentor.

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