Chapter 8: Spiritual Work Before Kundalini Awakening
Beginnings: A Brief History
For many years, I meditated twice per day, used various transpersonal tools, and noted my reactions to people and life to discover, “Who am I?” In August of 1999, much energy released while in a deep meditation and I had a spiritual awakening with strong kundalini awakening symptoms. I had high sexual energy, changed my diet, lost weight, had vivid dreams and visions, felt tingling and electric shocks, felt the uterus thumping, increased body vibration and heightened senses. These were like the kundalini symptoms I experienced later. The symptoms were strong for three weeks and gradually tapered over six months. In the first three weeks, my energy vibration was very high, I did not need to sleep and my thinking was super fast. The knowledge about enlightenment was revealed and I had many insights. When I walked, I felt I was in a three-dimensional world. I felt different and alien but was thrilled and elated. Then I heard the thought, “Betsy must go”. That thought I did not like much. After this experience, I knew I would never be the same and had awakened. I call this experience the crown opening, and think it is often confused with the full-blown kundalini transformation.
After spiritually awakening, my life changed dramatically. I quit my job and became a full-time student of personal transformation. Feeling myself as intense vibration energy for those three weeks, became my beacon in the darkness. After that, I never believed I was enlightened, because I did not feel like that. I would not stop until I was vibrantly alive like that again and this desire motivated me to keep doing the work to unravel the layers of my personality.
Mental Body: Escape From The Mind-Trap
From August 1999 to February 2003, I meditated twice per day, learned yoga and tai chi, studied spiritual books and kept an eye on my responses, learning from them about my conditioning. Soon after the spiritual awakening, I went into a head-trip of believing I was a reincarnated person with an unbelievable story and after some time crashed back to Earth when I finally saw the head-trip. Writing was my main vehicle to gain self-knowledge about my unconsciousness. I would review what I wrote and note how people reacted to what I wrote and how I reacted to them. Many times, I thought I was enlightened when I received a new insight and would attach to my accomplishment. Eventually experiences would show me I was not awakened after all. Then I would crash and feel disappointed, yet humbled and would return to the work of unraveling my conditioning. This lasted years. I went through phases of creating a new spiritual self-image and the conceptual games of the personality, such as trying to live a concept, criticizing others, writing in spiritual forums, acting as an authority and teacher.
From March 2003 to March 2004, I did the sungazing protocol as popularized by Hiram Manek. In sungazing, you stand barefoot and gaze at the sun at sunrise or just before sunset when the ultraviolet levels are low. You start at ten seconds of gazing and add ten seconds more each day until you reach forty-four minutes of gazing at the sun. When I reached thirty-five minutes of sungazing, I had the insight the emotional state of my body had a stronger affect on my experience of reality than my thoughts did. This was a great insight, which helped me take further steps of self-realization. During this time, I experimented with and studied various alternative healing methods, did organ cleanses, did a raw food diet and several fasts.
From April 2004 to March 2005, I did my daily meditations, worked with self-enquiry, and did much writing in the Internet. I focused on helping others and it was a long period of acting as an authority, feeling I was qualified to help others awaken. In March, I received a compliment on my ability to see how others were trapped, and they asked had I ever used my skill to analyze myself. This slap in the face was a wake-up call. It turned me back to my source and work to uncover more layers of my conditioning. During this time, I became acutely aware of the persistence of the internal dialogue. I was aware of my childish behaviors, dramas I was creating in life, and was having strong emotional reactions. I felt I was walking in circles. Eventually I saw the root problem of all these troubles and it was the storytelling self. Then I understood the storyteller did not know anything and could never know anything, it was purely a reaction. This understanding took me out of the conceptual trap of the mind. All these years I had done the transpersonal work and my awareness gradually rose, to the point where I saw the truth, I needed to see to get me out of the mind trap. I had no idea there were two more steps to complete until they happened.
Emotional Body: Healing The Inner Child
From March 2005 to June 2005, I started looking closer at my emotional reactions. As providence would have it, I began menopause with periods of strong emotional outbursts, night sweats and hot flashes. I was having a conflict with a friend that gave me many opportunities of ‘emotional outbursts’ to scrutinize. I went intensely into observation of my emotional state and used new tools. I saw how difficult it was to control emotional reactions, even when I had an eagle eye on my thinking and feelings. It seemed impossible not to emotionally react when somebody pushed my button. I instinctively knew I needed more energy to boost my momentary awareness so I could nip it in the bud, and I needed more information about the emotional reaction.
I practiced the present moment techniques of Eckhardt Tolle in the book Power of Now and I used the enneagram to determine the emotional passion of my personality type so I could detect how I got my emotional kick. I did Qigong, barefoot walking and used techniques to increase my sensory awareness. I did the sungazing again and increased the length of my meditation. Near the end, I was pushed to my limit and cried like a child for days on end. I had done the same in 1999, after my first spiritual awakening. The same scenario was repeating, but this time I heard what I told myself that made me cry so hard. It was like the voice of a child repeating the pains of childhood, feeling alone and unloved. With hindsight, I knew I had completed the step of healing the inner child. Cleansing the childhood traumas and crying jag had happened twice. The first had cleansed the cognitive parts of my survival strategy and the second had cleansed the emotional parts. There was one more to go.
From June 2005 to October 2005, I was watching carefully in my meditation for what worked to help me achieve the no-mind state. It was helpful for me to tune into listening to the inner sound I have always heard inside since I started meditation. I would become one with the sound, which felt awesome. I focused on increasing my sensory awareness whatever I did in my life. I had to work harder to achieve present moment awareness.
I became acutely aware of the storyteller, and how my story created my emotional state. I changed my attitude toward life conflicts, and saw them as creative opportunities to practice gaining control over my emotional body. As I practiced like this, it started to work and I was elated. I became fascinated with energy and learning how to get more of it. My momentary awareness started rising and I became sensitive to my energy and the energy in people, animals, plants and minerals. I wrote this poem then, which expresses my increased sensitivity.
Bamboo stalks swaying
song erupts from clacking leaves
merging with the wind.
Recalling what I have seen
the past stays alive inside.
Have I ever seen
a still bamboo in the wind
refusing to sway?
Human’s great ability
guarding our separation.
Smiling at my dog
he smiles back and wags his tail
being one with me.
Dropping all our facades
the barriers fall away.
On October 19, 2005, I did my meditation while focused on feeling the vibration in my body and suddenly I went very deep. When that happened I realized the vibration energy I feel in my body is CONSTANT, it was always there. This was a profound revelation and a big smile arose on my face. I understood then, that there was nothing more to find. I was done with seeking. I had found my true self. I knew another step remained, to manifest this vibration in the flesh, to become one with it physically. I had another insight then, that what I focused on would increase. I could clearly see what was most important to increase, so my focus shifted to increasing my energetic vibration. I was determined I could do it and nothing was more important to me. From this day onward, I did six hours of meditative work and experimented with various techniques looking for ways to deepen my awareness.