Chapter 11: Physical Death, 4th Dark Night – Surrender
Chest Expansion Cycle, 1st Cranial Suture Crack, Right Spine Opens
February 11: Energy Swirl Up Spine, Energy Ball Down Right Spine
It is 1am, and I am afraid I will die, that is it. When the energy moves up and goes into my chest, it expands and I feel I cannot breathe. It feels like death. I panic thinking I will die and lose it. I will look at it and try again.
It is 9:30 am and I slept lightly. I felt a large vortex form in the root chakra and then with a big swirl it went up and out my crown chakra. Later I felt the growing reaction, this time only in the left leg. Next, I felt much pain like menstrual cramps in my lower back and abdomen. I tried to surrender. I did better. Higher-self took over more and energy moved up through chest, lungs, and throat and partially into the head. The last effort went well as I was much calmer. Then the reaction stopped. Perhaps each effort, builds on the previous one and I get stronger each time. I must stop thinking, as the failure feeling is heavy. Sitting, there is strong swirling energy in the buttocks. It is difficult to relax.
It is 11:15 am, and my friend will do my work today, so I can relax. I hope this is not a head-trip and something concrete happens today. This is my last day of retreat and I want my Sunday free to enjoy the outside. The marching music is strong and the energy swirls in the tailbone all morning. I will sit quietly and see what is next.
It is 2:10 pm, and I have been lying for three hours going through the chest expansion cycle. The cycle: I hear pings and the inner sound of marching music and feel wave-like sensations going though my body changing tissues. This is like the freefall feeling, it relaxes me and quickly my thoughts settle down. While relaxed, energy increases and my chest expands, and I go as far as I can before I am gasping for breath or exhale deeply. Each time it is easier to keep my mind quiet and stay relaxed. I think there were nine cycles. I feel each attempt makes me stronger and I go further each time. Once I felt close to being through, my body felt warm and sensual which would motivate me to try again. The lower back and uterus hurts much like being in labor, when I sit the pain lessons.
Sometimes I think this pain is about forcing me to let go of body identity. Then I get angry! I work on trusting all is exactly as it should be. I work to quell my failure voice and tell myself I am doing the best I can. Finally, I remind myself, ‘I’ do not need to do anything except to surrender. Sitting, I felt a strong force descend in my body that sounded like a windy storm. While this happened, I was pressed to the Earth with a strong gravitation pull.
4 pm: I have been stretching and it was intense through neck, hips, lower back and legs. 6 pm, I did a two-hour surrender session with the chest expansion cycle. It is still difficult. I hope I am truly getting stronger. From 8 to 9 pm, I did a stretch and almost came alive it felt so good, but when I lied down I lost that feeling. I did several long surrender sessions. The last surrender was good and at the end strong energy moved into my head. After some work was done in the head, I felt a crack line in my skull on the right side. I think the right side of my body opened much more. Then a huge energy ball came roaring down my body setting off a strong growing reaction on the right side and raising the body vibration. I kept on surrendering and the sensations in the body got stronger and stronger. At 9 pm, I felt I was ‘truly awake’. There was a sudden quiet and that is when I heard the dogs howling outside. I did not hear outside noise before because the inner sound was melodic and loud. After this, it felt like physical changes were made all over the body. I felt spiral patterns of energies in skull moving down the body. Then a strong growing reaction started with intense tingly bubbles in the genital area and strong work in right toe joint. At 10:50 pm, I feel I have surrendered my body and mind well and it is easier to do it. I hope something happens in the body tonight. I want to be as HIGHER-SELF!
Spine Vortices & Pelvic Pushes
February 12: Drops Move Through Body, Energy Rush Into Skull
At 1:10 am, I used Reiki while standing in the dome, which raised my energy quickly. Then I did some stretches and went to bed. While standing meditatively, it seemed energy worked to release the cord of personality. A spiral of energy formed at the top of my head and moved rapidly down my body. Then my hips moved in the same direction of the spirals. I felt the spiral action inside moving from root to crown chakra. Then I folded down and felt energy building in the root chakra while simultaneously energy sucked upward. Then I felt the same from back and shoulder, through neck to crown. Then I felt energy moving down and building in the root chakra. Afterward I was directed to lie down. (When I write that “I was directed”, it means that I started each session in a bodily surrender stance. I could tell from the stretches when they were leading to a lying position.)
While lying, I decided to use Reiki on the root chakra, this worked well to raise energy quickly and then growing phase started. It is getting difficult to remember what happened. I felt the drops of liquid moving through my body down to the genital area with strong intensity in the genitals. I was holding my hands there and must have fallen asleep. It is 1 am, and I am tired and not sure why I woke. The body vibration gets strong, when I stand on the floor I feel it vibrate back, it shakes. I am sweating and feel warm when energy rises. This is similar to hot flashes but much hotter. My head hurts much.
From 1 to 3 am, I did a difficult physical pressured stretch, which worked the spine from neck on down, with many crunches and cracks. I stretched through the same circular paths in the body and I felt the spiral vortices. I was exhausted and slept deeply afterward.
From 6 to 11:30 am, I did long stretching sessions through the spine. First, there was a long painful session, with cracking and crunching going down the cord of personality. I think the cord has been removed. Then there was a different stretch, which felt like it pulled me apart in all directions. I think this work is enlivening the spine. I went until I was numb and exhausted, at the end I was deeply surrendered and allowing it.
Then an energy circuit was made after some intense holds in the neck. There were a few strange positions and pops. Then my head felt clear and I saw purple light in my 3rd eye. Then I felt internal rain and had a nice feeling of freefall.
From 1:15 to 3 pm, I did a long stretch while sitting. There is a pushing action occurring similar to that of having a baby. After that, I sat in the upright position with legs to front and felt tingling bubbles in the genitals. Then there was surrender work that was difficult because it was noisy outside my room. I plugged my ears; closed my eyes and tried to visualize purple light. At least I understand what the purple light is now, it is ‘my light’ and I see it when my mind goes quiet. I was trying hard and crying.
4:30 pm: Rest. I wonder why I write all these notes. At this moment, it is strange to see my hand moving and writing this. I feel hyperactive, as if I can move a mile a minute. That is how I worked outside, doing yoga, washing dishes and singing simultaneously. I am amazed at how much I did in a little while.
From 4:30 to 5:45 pm, when I sat a huge force overwhelmed me, I naturally relaxed and surrendered to it. It was so strong there was nothing else to do. It is difficult to allow higher-self to take over; it feels much like death and that I am losing myself. I know I am in the process of being reborn which I want very much, but still difficult to let go of the ‘me voice’.
10:30 pm: Maybe I was successful with having quiet mind. I cannot tell for sure. I used Reiki on the root chakra and did two sitting sessions to try to surrender without success. My neck and hips were sore, so I lay down and did more Reiki on the root chakra, which I held a long time. The feeling is difficult to describe, but it helps me to go beyond the pain. From 10:30 pm to 12:30 am, I did a stretching session. I want to finish, but I am too tired.